Could I Love Her More?
2013
I once knew a girl. She had wispy brown hair, and brown eyes so deep you could almost fall into them.
She was riding her bike the day I met her. Her, a young girl of 7 or 8, was responsible for watching her little brother, perhaps 3. He had fallen and was hurt and I was nearby. I cleaned him up, put a colorful band-aid on him, and smiled at her. And then we became friends.
That little girl loved me, and, back then, I had the time and energy to devote to loving her.
I was innocent then. It was before I had babies of my own. Before I realized the mysterious ‘evils of the world’ are actually played out in peoples homes. In the homes of people I knew. There were probably many signs that I could have seen right away, had I known to look. But back then I didn’t know how to look. I only knew how to love.
We would go out for ice cream. We would go on nature walks. Braid her baby dolls hair. Play with her baby brother or play some childish game.
And slowly, ever so slowly, the reality of her home life came out.
She was a bed wetter. Something that a child should be supported and encouraged through, and yet for this girl she was only ever shamed for frequent accidents.
For this precious little one, a wet bed meant she got tossed into the dark, damp basement, alongside her peed on bedding, to spend the next night in solitude and terror. And then she was responsible for washing the sheets herself.
I helped her wash a few loads of her day old urinated sheets and I count it a great honor that she let me into that part of her world.
She spent a great deal of time as the guardian of her two younger brothers; herself but a young child in need of a loving and watchful eye.
And whether this fact is true or not I haven’t the slightest idea; she was convinced that her mother had murdered her father.
I don’t know if I loved her well. If I loved her enough. One day she was a part of my daily life and the next day she was gone. Her entire family vanished. It left an ache in my heart and I cried over her.
Her school had tried several times to intervene. They saw things at school and pulled her out of class and questioned her. She tried at first to cover up what was going on, but then she told them because she thought it would help. It didn’t help. Her momma got a pat on the wrist and then turned around and hissed in her daughter’s ear “If you tell anyone anything I ever do they’ll take me off to jail and blow my head off.” She told me her mommy had blown off her daddy’s head. And no matter what her mommy did to her, she did not want her head blown off. So she stopped talking to people. And all I could do was tell her I love her and have her spend nights with me. And she never wet the bed when she was with me. And then she disappeared.
I still ache for that little girl. Sometimes I wish I could go back, that it could happen all over again. I think now I could love her more richly. I could reach out to her mother and get her help so she could break the cycle.
But.
When I pause to really consider could I love her more now I realize, with shame, that I actually couldn’t. Her taking me into the damp, dark basement to help her wash her urine stained sheets was her revealing her ugliest, most vulnerable being to me. She let me into that part of her world because I spent hours investing into other parts of her world.
I don’t invest much in loving others now.
Yes, my life looks different. I have my two young men to raise and equip to be passionate Christ followers. The time simply does not exist to spend an hour or two each day skipping rocks or jump ropes with neighbor children.
But I have become increasingly convicted of this need to purposely love children. Our own children. Our friends children. The children we see weekly at church. Or those playing throughout the neighborhood. The children in the grocery story. The children of the world.
If we don’t know children – or all we see are the smiling faces bravely put on as a front – then we need to sit down on the floor and simply be with them. Get to know a child. Ask questions. Show interest. Encourage strengths and encourage weaknesses to grow into strengths.
Love until you’re washing pee stained sheets. Til the ugly and the vulnerable part of them is shared.
And then cling to God for strength and wisdom. And love those little lives with a renewed passion; for you have been given a gift- been shown a sacred place. The inside of a hurting child. And hand in hand you can start scrubbing at the stains.
Two of my favorite books on this subject of loving children and encouraging them are by Wess Stafford, CEO of Compassion International. They are excellent, challenging books. Just a Minute; In the Heart of a Child One Minute Can Last Forever and Too Small to Ignore; Why the Least of These Matters Most. Your heart will break and the way you look at children will be changed after reading these books.
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This makes me ache in a way that I don’t understand and can’t explain. Thank you for sharing this, Jess.
Dani Kelley recently posted..We don’t have to be okay.
I’ve cried through it every time I’ve read it. I wrote it weeks ago and only now worked up the “nerve” to share it. How many children are we missing? They’re just silently pleading for someone to see them?
Thank you for sharing this, Jessica. There’s so much in others peoples experience that sometimes I would rather not know because it takes time, caring and energy. The love you showed that little girl has had or will have eternal consequences. It’s a good reminder that God loves and cares for the “least of these”. He often exhorts us to care for the widows and orphans.
Every time I think of her, I shudder wondering how we could have made her life easier. I feel like I failed that time…such a tough situation…didn’t she have 2 younger brothers?
Thanks for sharing such a heartbreaking story Jessica.
We had the opportunity to bring a little boy into our lives who was having a terrible time at home. It was tough to see such a bright, eager little boy being torn down at home. They have since moved and the mother has no need for us anymore so we don’t see or hear about him anymore. All we can do now is pray for him and hope that those precious moments he got with our family were enough to show him that he is loved and there are people that believe in him out there.
Shan recently posted.."A Year of Biblical Womanhood" by Rachel Held Evans
I remember you mentioning the boy (right? Or am I imagining it??) I’m sorry you’ve lost touch with him too. It’s heart breaking.
Thank you for sharing this experience Jessica. It is heartbreaking that she disappeared. But you made an impression on her and you were her safe place, and in being that to her, you showed her the love of Jesus. As she grows up, she won’t ever forget that.
Sherri recently posted..Merry Christmas!
I have no idea what Merry Christmas is doing there by the way
haha – it’s because it was your last post written
Jessica Lynette recently posted..Ryan’s Adoption Day
Jess…I love you so.You make me want to be a better person.
I love you Mama D
YOU are an inspiration for loving and protecting children.
Thank you for sharing this! We are seriously praying about adopting from the foster care system….freaks me out, to to be honest, but Jesus loves these children just as much as He does me.
I understand your fear
I was just at an adoption this morning of an 11 yr old boy. His mom is a dear friend of mine and this is their second adoption “out of the system”. She is the first to say it isn’t easy, but God has taught them so much and been so faithful through the trials.
Please let Julia know she can contact me via email if she wants some insight/encouragement…..
Thank you for sharing this, Jessica. I just wrote out two long replies to this about how my heart his working in the same direction, and then lost them. So I’ll just say, I’m praying that the Lord would show you how and where to love “the least of these,” and ask that you would do the same for me and us as a family. (Praying a lot about foster care.)
sorry they got lost Becki! (was it an error with my blog?)and will be praying for you guys.
Thanks for sharing, I will look these up at the librairy. I love books like these; you might want to take a look at a book called ‘Wounded Innocents’.
thanks! I will look for that one