posted by Jessica Lynette on Personal

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At the beginning of 2012 I shared a list of goals for this year; things I wanted to strive for, things I thought would push me, things I thought would help me grow. They were good things. And it was good for me to have that list to help me focus on throughout the year. I am a list person.

But.

In the privacy of my journal I wrote something else at the beginning of 2012. Something I didn’t share with anyone.

What I write here is mostly the things I do. Ideas I have. Excellent resources we’ve stumbled across. But my journal is where I pour out my very being. Where I pour out my heart and soul. Where my weaknesses shine. {When I die, Paul has promised to burn them. As have about half a dozen other people at my church who want to journal but don’t for fear of others turning journals into a book upon their death. These people have my back. So I pour myself into the pages of my journal. Trusting that they’ll all die with me.}

At the beginning of 2012 I wrote in my journal that I wanted to learn true contentment. Not the type of contentment where you feel good on the inside because everything on the outside feels good. But the type of contentment that wells up from a resolute conviction that joy comes from the Lord. That regardless of what is going on on the outside, the inside feels peace.

They were big words to write. I’m not sure what inspired me to write them. But I am glad I did. I went back to that journal entry time and time again this past year.

If you looked at our lives over the past year, it would appear as though everything fell apart.

Paul started the year as a student, with plans to get into nursing school in the fall. He didn’t get in.

He was unemployed for several months, and the job opportunities that availed themselves were all for unskilled laborers.

Our stove top range, which is about 45 years old, had 1.5 working burners.

The vacuum broke.

The microwave started setting fire to whatever was put in it.

The toaster broke.

The roof started leaking.

Roaches invaded our home.

One of our cars broke.

Our basement flooded with the neighborhood sewage.

Our washing machine leaked every time a load was run.

Our fridge leaked.

And on. And on. And on the list could go.

It hasn’t felt good going through this past year. There were lots of tears. But through the tears there was a lot of thanksgiving. There is much to be thankful for. We are richly blessed.

This list is the list of the bad. Of the disappointments. Of the broken.

But at the end of all this I have been convinced of His exceeding goodness. Of His grace and His love. The ways He uniquely took hold of my attitudes and heart, and in His infinite wisdom dealt with the problems at hand, has left me thankful to have a personal relationship with a God I also call Father.

And while there is still much to be learned on the heart issue of contentment, I am thankful for the gentle ways He carried us through this year. After a year of ups and downs and hopes met with disappointments I know with an affirmed conviction that God is good and that His love and care is thorough and covers us on all sides.

One of my favorite things about this year is that we have learned a new way to pray. When faced with what felt like overwhelming – and continual – disappointments and needs we learned to turn it all over to Him and simply pray in deep sincerity; “We don’t know what we need. We don’t know what is best. Please provide in the way You see is best for us.”

And we have seen incredible ways that God has cared for us. I keep a list of the ways He provides. The things that are a little bit out of the ordinary where we saw His hand working. Practical things that provide for daily needs and extravagant things that serve simply to delight our hearts and show us the abundant kindness of our God. It blows me away every time I read through the list. In fact I just sat down and counted through the list … I have 52 items written down… 52. One thing for each week this past year. {though that’s not exactly how it worked out, the fact that there’s 52 items on my list and I just now counted them is kinda special to me!} His care and love is so thorough, so intentional.

2012 wasn’t the easiest of years. But it was a good one. A really good one. It is through pain that we grow. It is through brokenness that we cling to Him. It is through being emptied that we find true contentment.