Boy Funnies :: the funny things kids say

BOY-FUNNIESA collection of the funny things they’ve said from October 2012 – June 2013


Wesley, contemplating to himself; “I wonder what I should name my children?” <long pause> “I know for sure one of them will be Scamper.”
 Me: “What if your wife doesn’t like the name Scamper?”
 And Judah offers with wisdom beyond his years; “Yes, it is very important that your wife likes your children’s names.”

 And Wesley lays all our worries to rest; “I’ll name my wife Scamper first. Then we’ll have Scamper the baby.”


 Wesley: Mommy my toothbrush tastes like soap.
Me: Why?
Wesley: Because I accidentally did an accident. 
Me: What kind of accident did you do?
Wesley: I accidentally put soap on my toothbrush.
Me: Why did you put soap on your toothbrush?
Wesley: Because I didn’t know what would happen if I did that.
Me: What did you learn by putting soap on your toothbrush?
Wesley: That it still tastes like soap.
Me: How was it an accident?
Wesley: Because I wanted to know so bad I couldn’t not do it.


 
Drove out of our neighborhood a different way than normal to get to church, which totally baffled the boys. When we got to an intersection near church that they recognized Wesley shouted out; “WOAH! COOL! Our car is like magic – it can drive in any direction it wants and still get us where we want to go!”


 

While Wesley was praying he said “and thank you that we get to play in our secret fort tonight at bedtime.” to which Judah interrupts the prayer with a frustrated; “WESLEY! IT’S NOT A SECRET IF YOU TALK ABOUT IT!”
Upon concluding the prayer I asked about this secret fort, and they sheepishly confessed that they had built a secret fort and had planned on sneaking into it after they’d been put to bed. 

I told them they could play in their secret fort for ten minutes and they said “No thank you. It’s not a secret any more.” and then they went to bed.


 
Wesley was reaching for his cup of tea that I mistook for my cup of coffee and I told him to leave it alone. When we sorted it out that it was actually his I apologized to him for my mistake. He said; “You don’t need to say sorry mommy. You can ask me not to touch anything you don’t want me to touch!”


 
Wesley met me at the door when I came in from grocery shopping – “Hey mama, we haven’t had any gum today just in case you were considering letting us have some I wanted to make sure you knew we haven’t had any.”


 

 
Wesley, randomly; “Mama, what are your thoughts on taking us camping or buying us waffles today?”


 
Wesley was reaching for his cup of tea that I mistook for my cup of coffee and I told him to leave it alone. When we sorted it out that it was actually his I apologized to him for my mistake. He said; “You don’t need to say sorry mommy. You can ask me not to touch anything you don’t want me to touch!”


 

 
Wesley while praying: “And please help me to be happy even though Judah got a (toy) snake and I didn’t.”


 
Wesley: Mama, can you please change my name to Hulk? I am so strong, so I shouldn’t be Wesley anymore.


 
Wesley: Judah I am SO excited! One day I am going to be the uncle to your kids and you are going to be the uncle to my kids!


 
Wesley: “Mama, I have finished the vacuuming. Please don’t feel like you need to give us any more chores.”


 
Me: What do you boys think of your salad?
Wesley: It’s a very noble salad mommy.
Me: Are you sure you mean noble Wes?
Wesley: Yes. Being noble is a good thing. This salad is a good thing. It is a noble salad. … Judah, wouldn’t you call this a noble salad?


 
I asked Wesley a question to see how well he had comprehended the story. He answered slyly; “I know the answer – but YOU need to guess it!”


I discovered a large hammer under Judah’s pillow. Upon inquiring about it I was informed that it has resided under his pillow for quite some time, and it is there to keep us safe at night in case a bad guy enters our house.


 

 
Judah: Mommy, when I grow up I am going to make a lot of inventions.
Me: How will you pay for all those inventions?
Judah: Let me think … {two second pause} Ok, I have it all figured out. I will set up a store and I will sell cheaply made things to people. But I won’t let you and daddy come in to the store because I know you don’t like cheap things. And then once I make lots of money from everyone else I will have all the money to make my inventions.


 

 
I had Judah write the alphabet from memory and told him he couldn’t look at anything. He said “well, I have a clear picture of it in my head, can I look at the picture that’s in my head?”


 

 
Wesley has a special love for all of his stuffed animals. He usually refers to himself as their daddy. One of them he is married to and refers to it as his “beloved”, his “bride” or his “queen.” 
He was playing with his shark animal and I said; “Wesley, you are such a good daddy to your animals – I can’t wait to see you with your own children one day.”
He stared at me blankly for a moment and then corrected me; “Mama, I am the shark’s Royal Highness. The shark is my body guard. He can only ever call me ‘Royal Highness’.”


 

 
Every Wednesday night we eat supper at church. 
Wesley: Mama, what’s for supper tonight?
Me: I think it’s Chinese food tonight.
Wesley: OH YAY! That means icecream!
Me: No, I don’t think they will be serving icecream.
Wesley: But the Chinese eat icecream so icecream is Chinese food so I think they will be serving icecream tonight.


 
Wesley: Mommy – I need to go to the bathroom. Guess what I need to do in there?
Me: No, I’d rather not guess. Just go do your business.
Wesley: Please mommy? I just want to know if you can guess.
Me: Are you going to go pee?
Wesley: <gasp> how did you KNOW that?!?


 

 
Wesley; “Mommy, do you know why I like little carrots better than big ones? It’s because big ones waste time. I have to chew and chew and chew them to get through them and I lose a lot of time that I could be talking. ”


 
The 4.5 year old excitedly shared with me that the numbers 3, 4 and 5 all start with the same sound. So I told him they didn’t. And it led to a 10 minute discussion, in which he thoroughly disagreed with me. 
I finally wrote the numbers out for him so he could SEE the “th” and the “f”. When he saw the “th” in 3 he told me I had SPELLED THE WORD WRONG.


 
Wes: Is today Tuesday?
Me: No, it is Thursday.
Wes: Is tomorrow Tuesday?
Me: What day comes after Thursday?
Wes: Friday. But is it also Tuesday?
Me: No, Tuesday comes only once a week, and it was a couple days ago.
Wes: Well I KNOW there are two Tuesdays. There is Tuesday’s Tuesday and then there is another Tuesday that isn’t Tuesday.


 
We went through the story of creation today and I asked the boys what they would have found challenging and what they would have found enjoyable about naming all the animals like Adam. 
Wesley: “It would be challenging for me if I was trying to decide what to name an animal and he looked at me and said ‘I want to be called Adam.’ I don’t know what I would do. Maybe I would say ‘I have a better idea. Let’s call you Judah!'”


 
Wesley: “Mama, can I just turn on the light for a minute to do something?”
Me: “Sure, just hurry up and do your business and turn it out again.”
Wesley: “Uh… mama? I don’t think ‘do your business’ is a good thing to say. I don’t like what it sounds like. I just need to do something else.”


 
W: Mommy – is yawning bad for you?
Me: No, it’s not.
W: Well, I think it is. I don’t like yawning because I can’t eat as much food when I yawn.


 
Wesley: “Mama, did you know Judah is going to invent a real light saber and the fastest car in the world when he grows up?”
Me: “Yes, I have heard him mention that.”
Wesley: “And he said he will give me one if I agree to be a superhero with him. {big sigh} I had wanted to be King when I grew up. But I really want a fast car and a light saber, so I am thinking I might be a superhero. But I don’t know yet.”


 
Judah: I want to learn an ancient language … like, maybe Hebrew. That would be cool. Mommy, what other ancient languages are there?
Me: Well there is Latin.
Wesley: Woah! COOL – is that the language that Latin and the King of Thieves was written in?


 
Wesley, after hearing the word in a book: What is a widow?
Me: A woman whose husband has died.
Wesley: What is a man whose wife has died?
Me: A widower.
Wesley: Oh. And what is it called when neither the man or woman have died?


 
Judah: “Is a headache when your brain is trying to figure out everything you know?”


 
Judah: “Mommy can I ask you a question? I have something I need to ask you. It’s something I have been thinking about for awhile and it’s been on my mind and I just need to know. I have heard about this in some books and I think maybe – I just think – I have seen this in a movie and I just wanted to know about this… 
I have seen that there are cookies that people DIP IN MILK! I want to try that, it sounds like fun!”


 While talking about and having them write the word dream Judah had a startling realization; “wait! You mean it is DREAM like duh-ream? You sure it isn’t jream? Like juh-ream? I have always thought it was jream.”

 
Me: “wow boys! you did an excellent job cleaning your room, thanks!”
Judah: “you’re welcome! we wanted it to be super clean so that even if an old person visits our room they’d be able to walk through our room with their walker or cane.”


 
Judah, while moving the just washed clothes into the dryer; “You know, the washing machine and dryer are kinda like friends because they work hard together to get something done.”


 
Judah discovered that it was not Judah Iscariot that betrayed Jesus. I said “Judah, do you really think I would have named you after that man?” He said “I dunno!”


 

 
Judah: wow! that store is PACKED! Look at all those cars!
Me: that’s a car lot – all the cars parked in there are for sale.
Judah: Oh, so people have to walk there if they want to buy a car?
Me: No, no, they have a special parking spot for you to park your own car.


 
Judah: It is SO cold outside. I bet if we were outside with no clothes on we would freeze to death!


 
On our way to drop the boys off at a friends for a couple hours Paul said: “boys, I want you to remember you represent our family and that you are to be obedient.”
Judah: “we will try. But I know that everyone is a sinner and no one can obey all the rules.”


 
Judah, excitedly; “Mommy! I just counted to 109! I think I counted as high as it’s possible for a person to ever count! Isn’t that EXCITING?!”


 

 

 
We have a mirror topped table and I was spraying it with glass cleaner for the boys to wipe it clean. 
They both said excited; “OOOHHH SPRAY! I love spray, can I spray??”
Without thinking I responded; “No spray. Just wipe.”
Judah exclaimed; “You just spoke Indian talk mommy! That’s so cool. You can speak Indian talk. I can’t believe it!”


 
Judah to Wesley: “SHHH! You must be quiet Wes. If you aren’t quiet daddy won’t get his sleep, and if he doesn’t get his sleep he can’t go to work tonight. And if he doesn’t go to work tonight he won’t make any money, and if he doesn’t make any money then we can’t buy any food. And if we don’t buy food then we will all be dead.”


Wesley came to me with his shoes on the wrong feet, asking if he’d gotten it right. I told him he needed to swap the shoes and he sat down, took off the shoes and somehow managed to put them back on the wrong feet again. 
When I told him that it was wrong for the second time he sighed and said, “Man, this is so tricky!”


 
Wesley refused to go upstairs and brush his teeth because he was scared that a bad guy might be up there. After many failed attempts to reassure him I finally told him that if he saw a bad guy up there I would take him out for ice cream. 
That did the trick and he gleefully ran upstairs to brush his teeth and find a bad guy. 
Obviously he found no one, and so he started crying that we weren’t going out for ice cream. And Judah told me that it “wasn’t nice to play that trick on us.”


 
Wesley: “Mommy, I am too full to finish my lunch.”
Me: “What did you leave on your plate?”
Wesley: “Only the yummy peas!” 
{which, for the record, he does not care for}


 
At dinner Wes was staring off into space. I asked him what he was thinking about and he said; “I am thinking about being a grown up.”
Me; “what about being a grown up?”
Wes; “about getting married and having a wife … I just can’t decide what I am going to name my wife.”
 I asked him if he thought Paul had named me and he said yes, he thought Paul named me. 
When I told him he doesn’t actually get to name his wife he said; “well, at least I will get to keep her. I am going to build her a house out of marshmallows.” 
And then at bedtime prayers he prayed “and please help me to find out her name soon.”


 
Wes: “I like to suck on chewable Tylenol. So from now on we shall call it suckable Tylenol.”


 

 
Wesley: I just KNOW aunt Esther is going to marry uncle Spencer.
Me: Well, no, she isn’t going to marry him. They are brother and sister.
Wesley: Oh, well, I just know know KNOW that she is going to marry me or Judah.
Me: No, she won’t be marrying either of you guys. You’re her nephews, aunts don’t marry their nephews. 
Wesley: Really? Are you just teasing me?


Paul spent a good 5 minutes telling the boys all about Anne Frank’s life and her diary. At the end of which Wesley, trying to puzzle things out, asks; “Isn’t diary runny poop?”

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7 Replies to “Boy Funnies :: the funny things kids say

  1. I love these posts. Long ago I bought three journals to start writing down the cute things my kids say and do – this was a great reminder to pull them out again and keep writing!

  2. I just read these and LOL! Thank you for sharing, your boys remind me of my boys; especially your older one, he’s about my older son’s age 🙂 God bless you all!

  3. What a great collection, boys must be so different than girls. I hope you can join us sometime for homeschool stuff, my daughter is 6 and a bit of a tomboy, doesnt meet a stranger, so she’d get along great with your boys, I’m sure.

  4. This is hilarious… so many of them had me laughing out loud, especially the ones where Wesley thinks he gets to name his future wife. 🙂

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