posted by Jessica Lynette on Family

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How to Encourage Siblings to Get Along

As I shared last week in the Photobook page of these two the bond between them is incredibly strong and, truly, beautiful to behold. I hesitate to write on the subject of how to encourage your children’s relationship with each other because I do not want to give the illusion that my boys always get along. That is simply not true. They do bicker. They pull each others hair. They take each others toys. But through all that they do have this unique bond with each other, a deep respect for one another and a wonderful friendship.

I have thought many times about what it is that has fostered this strong friendship, and I don’t think there is a simple answer. God has been incredibly gracious with these two boys and has, at their tender ages, worked on their hearts through the verses they have memorized to put them into action.

Over and over again I am convicted about my habits and my interaction with other people by my own children. My boys are far from flawless people, but there is such an alluring beauty to the innocence of their faith – I want to love more like my three year old. I want to think of others and be so completely convinced of God’s sovereignty more like my four year old.

God has worked through the verses the boys have memorized to work on their hearts in His own unique way and I am convinced that this is the primary reason why they “love their neighbor as themselves.” Simply because God tells them to.

Secondly, they have an incredible father. Paul has such an incredible depth to him, is so sincere and so passionate about his love for God, his family and for others.
Paul demonstrates sacrificial love to our boys and talks to them about what it means to love others. To be loved by Paul is contagious – often there are people I just can’t stand and Paul will change my mind on the matter.
I am pretty sure that super power helps our boys to love each other. They never hear their daddy speak negatively about someone and if they ever hear their mommy they soon after hear their daddy stand up for that person. Being so closely linked to a person with such an incredible capacity to love others is, I believe, rubbing off on our sweet boys.

By never hearing their father  speak poorly of someone – and seeing their mother trying not to!! – they have a model of encouraging speech, looking for the best in people and praising others. Speaking rudely about each other is never tolerated.

Third, we let our kids work out their own fights. We step in if bullying or disrespectful talking starts or if we know they are over tired or have had a sugary snack, and therefore not “emotionally stable”, but for the most part we stay hovering outside the room they are screaming, hitting or pulling hair in and wait while they work through their problem.

Honestly – it is hard to not step in and tell them to cut it out. But I am convinced this is a large part of why they get along so well – because they know how to work through their own disagreements when they do arise.

If the fight goes on too long I will step in to remind them to cool down. I have occasionally picked up two screaming boys and placed them, fully clothed, in an empty bathtub and then ask them to continue their screaming fits in the tub, telling them that they aren’t allowed to get out of the tub until they are friends again. {I have done this twice so far. I don’t plan on doing this much more then 1 or 2 more times in their childhood – need to stay on top of being weird with the discipline measures and not have them know what’s coming!}

After a fight they are asked to say sorry, ask for forgiveness and hug each other – hugging is a normal part of their day anyway, so it’s not like it’s a hardship to have them hug when apologizing. This step is encouraged to be done when they mean it and not in a flippant manner. There is very little we can do to monitor this as it is a heart issue, but what we are not doing is forcing our children to say sorry immediately after a fight. They can calm down a bit first.

Fourth, our boys pray for each other. If there is a lot of bickering I will sit down with them and ask them to pray for each other, but routinely at bed time prayers, where we pray through our family and friends using prayer sticks, we assign them each other to pray for. They pray for each others weaknesses and give thanks for each others strengths.

Fifth, they don’t have a lot of peer friends. This is something we have been quite intentional about – we encourage relationships between all ages and have avoided seeking out opportunities for growing peer-based friendships. As a result neither of the boys look at the other as too old or too young to be a good playmate and simply enjoy each other. This also means that they are given a lot of time to simply play together as we don’t have a lot of extra activities to fill our days.

As I mentioned at the beginning – I don’t believe there is a simple answer on the subject of encouraging siblings to get along. While I have managed to list five points that we have established as important and believe to be extremely effective they are not the only things that will encourage harmony between siblings, nor are they the only means we employ to encourage it. These are simply the main points that come to mind when thinking about this subject.

Tags: children, family, thoughts