posted by Jessica Lynette on Family

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{this is a repost from 2 years ago as its message is one we have continued to try to communicate to our children; choosing to share}

One of the things we want for our boys is to be passionate sharers – to give freely, to love completely and to expect nothing in return.

And I am learning that such a thing cannot simply be taught through words.

To passionately give they need to be seeing it exemplified so they know what it means.

And they need to be able to choose to do it freely, of their own will, so that it is genuine.
Because if what you do isn’t real it isn’t really anything at all.

I am discovering that giving them the choice to choose to share or not is hard for me.
While I want them share of their own volition I don’t want my freedom of choice option to be feeding their selfishness.
The balance is hard.

This morning I was faced with this very challenge – giving them the option of choosing to share – or not.

Judah had been given a piece of candy last evening and this morning I gave him an option; he could have the candy or I would trade it for an entire bag of microwave popcorn. He choose the bag of popcorn.

As the bag was popping Wesley excitedly asked me for some and I said “Wesley, this is Judah’s popcorn. He can chose to share if he would like to.”

Judah said “I don’t want to share.”

I responded with “It’s your choice Judah.”

After the bag popped I handed Judah the bag and two empty bowls. I told him that the second bowl was for Wesley if he decided to share, but that he was free to do as he wished.
He started to eat, ignoring Wesley’s empty bowl.

Wesley came and told me that Judah wouldn’t share. I reminded Wesley that it was Judah’s choice – he was free to say yes or no. And I encouraged him to politely ask him once more. Wesley sobbed through a pitiful “Please Judah, can I have some popcorn please?”

Judah still said no.

Wesley came back to me, crying harder.
We’ve been talking with the boys lately about how to respond to negativity and rude people and while it was never in relation to each other, this seemed like an opportunity to put into practice the steps we had talked about.

Wesley had already politely stated his intentions and request so I sent him back to tell Judah; “I won’t eat your popcorn, but it’s not being a good friend or brother to not share. It hurts me.” Then I had Wesley stay away from Judah and not make his request for popcorn again. {I did at that point give Wesley something special just for him, but without Judah’s knowledge.}

My heart was hurting for Wesley and I found myself feeling angry with Judah.
In giving him the choice to share I was desperately hoping he would chose to share and I wasn’t prepared for him to hold onto the entire bag of popcorn himself.
I went up to my bedroom for a few minutes – I was near tears, in frustration over my son who wouldn’t share and over myself for walking us all into this situation. I was frustrated with myself for not respecting Judah’s decision which I had freely given him and yet I wanted nothing more than to go downstairs and make him share some of his popcorn.
I prayed for wisdom and for a view of the bigger picture and for a love that transcended my own self righteousness.

I went back to the boys feeling at peace with the realization Judah had chosen to not share. I was determined to not allow it to effect my interactions with him at the moment and cheerful carried on with normal morning routines with Wesley as Judah continued eating.

Three quarters of the bag later Judah approached me with the bag and told me he wanted to share.
I didn’t ask him why. I didn’t praise him for his choice, just as I hadn’t scolded him for his initial choice.
I just accepted it and told him to call his brother in and let him know.

Judah and Wesley spent the next couple of minutes giggling with each other as they took turns digging into the bag.
It was so precious to watch as my son had chosen to share – out of his own free will.
And when  Judah said “This is fun to give Wezzy some too!” it made me smile.

It was so very, very hard to sit by and watch Judah’s actions hurt Wesley. I questioned my decision many times mainly because Judah’s actions effected more than just himself. But in praying for the bigger picture to be seen I was struck with the idea that I want these lessons to be imparted to them now at this age – an age where their actions aren’t truly harmful to others. An age where love and forgiveness and second chances are lavishly given. An age where the foundation of their lives are forming.

Since he proved himself {capable of choosing to share of his own free will} this time we shall give him the choice again the next time the opportunity arises. We want him to find the joy in sharing because he chose to – not because his parents told him he had to. And today he found that. And while it was a hard lesson for all of us it is my prayer that it will be a building block on which we can all grow on.

 

Day 19 of 31 Days of Communicating With Our Children. Click here to see all posts in this series.

Tags: children, communicating, family, mom moment