I also, through God’s wonderful grace, hold that title! And I am writing this letter specifically to those of you who have lost a child through miscarriage.
I am Mama to three wanted and precious children. My first will turn 2 in just a couple months—she was such a gift after many long years of singleness and marrying in my late 30’s—for the very first time.
My second child went to be with his Maker around 17 weeks in utero without my knowledge. I went into labor at 21 weeks (a year ago last month)—and in one very sad and shocking weekend, I bore and then buried our son! We were hit very hard with this reality and although we did not question God’s sovereignty or love at the time, the emotion that accompanies the death of a child was almost more than we could bear!
My third treasure is due next March and although we sorrow in much loss, we rejoice in God’s gracious faithfulness through every turn and tumble! Life is such a precious gift…life here on this earth, and life eternal!
Are you ever hit hard with the word why?
Whether I am just entering a “time of trouble” or have long processed the effect one has had on me, the resounding why fills my head at times with all sorts of questions that desire most earnestly to be answered. My heart may be fully surrendered to God’s plans, purposes, and timing but the grief, heartache, or just plain confusion that accompanies my difficulty wants to know! It wants to know why?
Not too long ago I was rather undone by extreme sadness and felt my heart would break all over again with the loss of my tiny, little baby. The pain welled up inside of me and slowly escaped through tears and quiet sobs—that nagging, ever-to-be-answered word why would not stop pounding around in my head!
Why is it I can’t hold, raise, get to know my sweet son? Why is it I can’t still be filled with anticipation of his arrival? Why did I have to put away all the things we would need to care for him—things I had joyfully placed beside a basinet? Why can’t he be tucked away safely inside of me…36 weeks inside my womb? Why did he have to die? Why does it have to hurt so badly? Why? Why? Why did you take him from me, Lord? Why?
They poured forth without any hindrance! These, and many more! Asking why has the potential of two very opposite realities: it can rob us of peace or give us opportunity to hear God’s specific word. It is not wrong to ask why. God welcomes our honest questions. But it is wrong not to take the time to listen to His answer and accept it! A sincerity on our part is vital if we are to not give way to bitterness.
It is not that we are resisting His sovereign purpose or the truth that “all things work together for good”—it is that, quite naturally, our grief has a need to be satisfied!
Our grief has the need for balance, for a logical explanation, and it gnaws away at our core. Believing that Christ is the only One Who can satisfy our sorrow will drive us to our knees and beg for Him to speak!
I wanted comfort that specific day, an ease to the pain—a pain that was wreaking havoc in my mind! I knew that I must get away with the Lord and find succor in Him alone. I knew I would find it in His Word. He offers Himself freely to all who long to settle into His rest—a promised rest, even in the midst of a turbulent sea. I needed that rest!
I was in the book of Job for my daily scheduled reading and I wished it wasn’t so. The thought of delving into a dry, careless dialogue from men who thought they knew everything did not bring me any relief and I foolishly thought I would find no consolation from that sad story. But God directed me to start reading right where I had left off.
As only the Lord can—the ONE intimately acquainted with all of my ways—He spoke to me in a most powerful voice! I asked my questions and He righteously and faithfully spoke! He reminded me over and over of who He is and that He is aware of all the things in my life that are hard—and then He gave me wonderful composition to form both prayer and praise back to Him.
“Whence cometh wisdom? and where is the place of understanding? Seeing it is hid from the eyes of all living, and kept close from the fowls of the air. Destruction and death say, we have heard the fame thereof with our ears…” (Job 29:20-22).
Yes, Lord, how can I know!? Will the knowledge of my loss always be hidden from my eyes? Will you ever see fit to tell me why? Or is it even your purpose to let me know?
I asked these questions as if my only source of contentment was found in knowing—thankfully true contentment is found in something quite deeper and much better! Job’s own need for consolation came in the next verse—it was my answer as well!
“God understandeth the way thereof, and He knoweth the place thereof. For He looketh to the ends of the earth, and seeth under the whole of heaven…He made a decree for the rain, and a way for the lightning of the thunder: then did He see it, and declare it; He prepared it, yea, and searched it out…” These were precious verses to me. I was quietly sitting still in front of my Lord. Bowed low. He was allowing my tears to fall on His feet. And He was choosing to bow Himself, down to where my misery dwelt, and speak directly to my hurt.
Thank you, Lord, for putting that specific Word before my eyes, the prayer into my mouth—the very words onto my lips! When I am naturally mute before the Lord, if I am willing to learn, He will graciously teach me how to speak righteously.
You do understand, Lord, You know every little detail of my heart…and that is enough to bring me comfort.
Oh, Lord! You made a decree! My child’s life—my own life—was your idea. You made a way for my son. You saw William (You knew William); You declared his conception; You prepared my womb for his shelter and development; and You searched out his days—how many he would have, the purpose for which he would live them, and his eternity!
“And unto [his grieving mama] He said, BEHOLD the fear of the Lord, that is wisdom!” (Job 29:23-28). And God gently whispered, “that is the answer to your why!”
Wisdom is knowledge, right? Knowing! God is worthy to be feared. That is all the explanation I need. That was my answer! That alone was given to me to bring fulfillment, relief to my sadness. And that was enough. It is always enough.
God never promises to remove our pain, but He does promise to bring ease and safe passage through the entire storm, reasons to hope it will one day pass, and motivation to thank Him for even this.
I needed that comfort, that word to behold God’s complete knowledge and fear Him for it. I needed to know where to place my ever racing mind.
Does your mind drive you wild with grief today? Do you own a lonely longing to know why He has allowed your trouble? Maybe you just long for peace, an end to the endless questions? Do you want to know why He hasn’t taken it away? Find the stillness, that calm you desire, in Him! I pray you will know that Word—that you would “behold” the knowledge of His wisdom and fear Him for it.
It is a comfortable place! It is a most sacred place!
And remember that He will be there tomorrow; He will be there next month or next year or even the very next moment. He will be there whenever you are overtaken with the need to have your sorrow satisfied! He is always there!
letter written by Deana, you can find her at I Will Give You the Rain
This is part of the series 31 Days of Encouragement for Mama that is running through the month of October. Check out all the posts in the series here.